I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
