And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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