where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
