You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize