If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
