you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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