You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
