I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
