he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
