I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
