I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
