Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
