So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
