I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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