If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
