I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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