Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
