You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
