DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
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LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
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I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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