I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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