you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Two words: nipple clamps
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