I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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