Your mouth is God's brothel.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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