On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
