Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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