If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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