I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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