I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
