and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
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