Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
