she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
