Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
