I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
