I wish I could teleport
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
