can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
He is an equal opportunity slut.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
