she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
