that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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