I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize