Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
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