is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
