OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
