Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
