last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
