At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
We named our party play list daddy issues
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I am full of burrito and curiosity
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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