Umm I'm too high to move.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He better not be in your backpack
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
