Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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