Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
