i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
