The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
It's shark week go big or go home
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
