I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I just found a bag of teeth...
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
