Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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