i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
