The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
