I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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