I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
