I will die if light touches me.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
