i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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