if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
3pm strippers are depressing
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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